Years ago, marriage arrangements were supervised, but in our culture it’s common for men and women to jump into relationships and make their own decisions regarding marriage without considering advice from friends and family. As a result, I often receive prayer requests for troubled marriages.  

Marriage is the single most important contract and commitment we will ever make in life. Why enter without the consent and approval of those who know us best? Why risk the most important decision we will ever make to our own intellect?  

Because love is blind. At least according to Shakespeare.  

1 Corinthians 13:4 doesn’t say “love is patient, love is blind,” so I set out to search the scriptures for truths about love’s weaknesses. Is Shakespeare’s slogan grounded in truth or is it merely a romantic notion endorsed to excuse a lack of discernment?

When it came to love, Samson was blind…literally. But not at first. It took awhile for him to go completely blind. His first mistake was discounting the advice of his parents, but ultimately he failed in the marriage department because he was easily manipulated. Physically, Samson was the strongest man alive, and yet, in his soul he was weak and vulnerable. First he marries a Philistine lady, bribes his bride with a riddle in exchange for a new wardrobe, goes on a killing spree and then losses his wife to one of his groomsmen. Can’t blame her. Sounds like Samson needed an Anger Management course.

Next he falls in love with Delilah. From day one she begs him to disclose the secret of his strength. At first, Samson humors her with untruths.  Judges 16:16 says, “she pressed him daily with her words and urged him, that his soul was vexed (annoyed) unto death.” Basically she nagged him until he finally gave in. Her pleas were so persistent that the incredible hulk was defeated by a woman’s persistent words.

Delilah means feeble. Interesting…that’s what Samson became. He lost his self-restraint. He let whatever guard he had over his heart completely evaporate. Consider James 1:14. “Every man is tempted when he is drawn away of his own lust and enticed.” 

Enticed comes from the Greek word, exelkō, which means to draw out. It is used as a metaphor to describe how game is lured out of safety by hunters and fishers. Likewise, men and women are lured from the safety of self-restraint by seductive words.

Words are hard to resist, especially in romance. Charm can be deceitful (Proverbs 31:30). We are most vulnerable when we are not surrounded by the safety that a wise counsel of friends provides.   

The old saying, “Love is blind,” really means that our discernment can be easily compromised in romantic relationships, but the way Shakespeare puts it makes it sound romantic. Being blindsided in romance is a dangerous place to be.  

I’d love to hear your thoughts. Have you or someone else been blindsided by love? What caused your discernment to be compromised? At what point would you say Samson’s discernment was compromised?

The other day I wrote about how God knit my heart together with John on January 28, 1998. This single revelation is what has kept us together when times got tough. Before we got married I thought John was perfect. We’ll never argue, I thought. The bliss of love kept me smothered in romantic ignorance…

until we got married.  

It was only a couple of months before we had our first major blowout. We loved each other dearly but neither of us had much experience with effective conflict resolution. My preferred method of resolving disagreements was to attack and blame—a full frontal assault with lethal accusations.  

He preferred to run.  

When John started packing his suitcase anger steamed in me until it spewed out like hot lava. John had gotten too close to Mount St. Christy. How could I trust him again? I seethed.  It wasn’t until the volcanic ash finally cooled down, I remembered the revelation that my soul was knit together with John.  

Conviction washed over me.  

Of course, that wasn’t the last time we got into a disagreement. I love what Pastor Jessie Bufford says about the success of his 35-year marriage: “I’ve never considered divorce,” he boasts. “murder maybe, but not divorce.” 

The divorce rate in America for first marriages is 41 percent and jumps to 60 percent for second marriages and 73 percent for third marriages. Divorce is most common in the first year of marriage. Within 24 months, one in 12 couples is headed for divorce court. Why? When conflict comes, many run. They think they made a mistake, but conflict is a natural part of life.  

I thank God for my marriage mentor. She listened to me vent, but wasn’t afraid of letting me know when I was wrong. “I doesn’t matter who is right or wrong. You are one flesh,” Alicia encouraged. “Proverbs says it’s to a man’s glory to overlook an offense.” 

Eventually, I thought I had “matured” to the point where I was able to “control” my anger. I prided myself on my ability to restrain my temper and sarcasm. The volcano was dormant, but it was still brewing on the inside. Once again Alicia pointed me to the scriptures.  

Proverbs 25:28 says, “He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls.” 

Now, when repeated offenses and conflict comes, I’ve learned to ask the Lord, “What are you trying to work out in me through this conflict?”  

John and I have been married 11 years now. Marriage is hard work, but the blessing of pressing through the tough spots is worth it. Now when conflicts threaten to erupt, I run to the Lord with my issues and trust that His revelation can provide the restraint I need. 

He brings peace and wisdom in times of conflict.  

When tempers flare, what revelations, truths or scriptures have helped you walk in peace or overlook an offense or otherwise bring resolution?

When I speak to singles groups, the question I hear more than any other question is, “How did you know John was the one?” 

Before we were married, like most other singles, I had my “list”. I knew what I wanted. I wanted someone older, sophisticated and well established and although John was nice, he didn’t have any of those qualities. He was younger, goofy and still in college—the exact opposite of what I was looking for. Left to my own romantic discernment, I would have overlooked John. But thank goodness, God knew my list was defective. My discernment was compromised. My picker was busted: I picked the wrong man every time.   

It was a Wednesday evening after work on January 28, 1998. John had driven up from Lawton after his classes since I had invited him for dinner. With three small children, going out to eat was a rare occurrence. After dessert, we plopped down on the worn blue sofa in my TV room when John asked, “Do you mind if I pray?” To this day, I don’t even remember what his prayer was about, but what happened next, I’ll never forget:  

An overwhelming presence of peace engulfed me and I felt my heart, not my physical heart, but the heart of my soul, being knit together with John. I know it sounds cheesy, but it’s the only way I can describe the supernatural experience that took place. I say “supernatural” because in the natural, I wouldn’t have picked John. He wasn’t my type.  

But here’s the deal: I never had much success in the relationship department.  God knew that without a divine revelation I would go back to devastation. 

The next morning I marched in the office and announced to my single coworker, Julie, “I’m going to marry John.” He hadn’t even proposed yet, but I knew. I knew John was God’s pick, not Christy’s pick. I knew John was a divine hook up, a heavenly match—not a good choice, but a God choice.

Later when conflicts arose in our relationship, it was this revelation that brought back peace. When tensions threaten my peace, if I run back to my heavenly Father for a fill up, my supply of strength and peace will never run out.

How about you? What revelations about relationships have helped you maintain your peace?

If you’re married, how would you encourage a single woman who asks the age old question, “How did you know he was the one?”

"Can't make it to Titus 2 today. I'll meet up with you at church," I told John. I didn't think I could contain the emotions that felt like they would burst at any moment. I didn't think I could manage to talk to anyone without unleashing the bucket of tears I was trying to restrain.  

Today is June 13. A normal day.

For most.

But not for me.

I didn’t remember feeling like this the last several June 13ths. But today the gray was overwhelming. I decided to dress in black in honor of Jake and my dad.  

"When is it going to happen, Lord? It's been 12 years now. I’ve shared my story to many women, but when is this dream of testifying to the multitude going to happen? Why did you put the burden of this vision on me? I'm getting weary of the wait."

I wonder how Joseph felt when God gave him a dream and then immediately shattered all odds of that dream ever coming to pass. I wonder how Joseph felt when he correctly interpreted the dreams of his prison pals. I wonder how he felt when the cupbearer was released from prison, and then completely forgot about him. I imagine Joseph must have wondered, "Lord, you gave me the ability to interpret dreams, but what about mine? Why did you even give me this dream in the first place?"

I feel like Joseph.

Often. 

I glanced at the fuchsia flower pin hanging on my jewelry board. I didn’t even know the name of the lady who gave it to me. "I love your flower," I told her as our eyes met Wednesday evening at church. She reached for the pin. "I've only worn it one other time. Here," she said. “It’s for you.” 

I clipped it on my dress and left for church.  

He loves me, oh how He loves me.

The words of the chorus rang in my ears.

I don't have time to maintain these regrets...when I think about how He loves me.

I caught a glimpse of the diamond in the middle of my flower.

Maintaining regrets. Me? How could I? I squeezed John’s hand and smiled. As the words soaked into my spirit, I shifted my attitude. His glory shines against my sorrow like a diamond in a black velvet box.

Today is going to be a beautiful day!

When God Shows Up

Both my son Jake and my father passed away on June 13, eight years apart. I had no party planned for such a celebration, but God had something special in mind. A bunch of Garrett's friends piled in the car after church to come over and hang out. On the way home Jenny asked me, "Miss Christy, do you mind if we make cookies again?" I couldn't contain my tears. She didn't know what day it was. All I could think was how sweet of God to surround me with joy and bring a party of kids to cebrate my dad and Jake's homecoming. 

After the cookie feast, they all gathered in the living room and Luke grabbed his guitar. I asked him if he knew "Oh How He Loves Us". When he started playing, I said, "Stop! I want this on my ipod." Now you can join in the celebration. You gotta hear Luke's voice! He's anoited! 

Click here to listen... Luke Oh How He Loves Us.mp3

What about you? When longsuffering, despair or regret threaten your peace, how do you get back on track?

My last post was about bitterness and how important it is to guard our heart. Today, I want to give you a real life example about how I first learned to guard my heart. If you'd rather call it boundaries, that's fine, too, but scripture is clear: It's our duty to put ourselves in a position where we're not vulnerable to bitterness.

It's been said we shouldn't air our dirty laundry in public, but if someone else can benefit from my exposé, I have to say it's worth it. So, here goes.

When I was married to my first husband, it wasn’t long before I realized he wasn't house trained. Any of you know what I mean? I don’t think my man had ever seen a laundry basket in his life. He left his socks and underwear everywhere.  Like a trail of breadcrumbs, they left a pile of evidence everywhere he’d been.

I knew there was no way I was going to get him to pick it up. Believe me I tried and the issue was making me angry. Sometimes it's the little things that bother us the most. They have a way of wearing us down. Proverbs 4:23 says, “Guard your heart for out of it flow the issues of life.” For me, when I first learned how to put a guard on my heart, I had to start with these smaller issues. I knew I'd never be able to deal with significant issues until I could learn how to overlook small offenses.

So here was my dilemna: My expectations were causing me bitterness. How could I communicate a boundary that would put a guard on my heart without requiring him to change?

Here's what happened. One day, I told him nicely. I told him respectfully. “I can’t make you pick up your underwear, but I can change my response to this situation. So here’s what I’m going to do.” (This is the first step of guarding your heart—communicating a change, expressing it verbally, and making your needs known.)  I told him, “If you don’t pick up your underwear, I’m still going to pick it up because I don’t like seeing it on the floor, but from now on, whatever you leave on the floor, I’m putting in this special basket, not in the laundry basket. I’ll be happy to do your laundry, as long as you put it in the laundry basket, but I won’t wash whatever ends up in the special basket.” 

Guess what? He didn’t change his habits one bit. Still left trails of evidence everywhere. But, I was no longer angry! There was a huge difference in my peace. Why? Because I had put a guard on my heart. I finally realized I was the only one I could change and I was getting set free. In the meantime, my ex-husband wore underwear he hadn’t seen in years.  And eventually…

He did a load of laundry.

Unmet expectations are a set up for bitterness. The key to putting a guard on our heart involves releasing others from our expectations to change. We are the only ones we can change!

Now it's your turn! I'd love to hear your examples about how you've learned how to set boundaries and put a guard on your heart.