My passion for speaking and writing was birthed out of a terrible tragedy. So many worthy missions are. It’s because God often produces great purpose out of our pain and suffering.

When my youngest son, Jake, died in a tragic car wreck just before his third birthday, I had two choices. I could grieve as one who had no hope or I could grieve as one who had hope. I chose the later. For me, there was no other option. I had lived in the land of despair before, caught in the wilderness of toxic relationships and later an emotionally abusive marriage.

I had spent my entire life looking for love, affirmation and identity from relationships, and by the time God untangled me from the bitterness that held me in bondage, I found freedom I never knew. I found Christ at the end of me.

I didn’t want to go back to my chains. When Jake died, I became keenly aware of one thing: The only way to ensure my own freedom was to go back for the captives. Every woman who finds Christ through my message brings purpose to Jake’s life. That’s also why I’m so excited that Love Junkies is available on Amazon. It’s available in print or ebook versions.

 

My Addiction to Love

I expected my husband to be my source of contentment, but what I didn’t know is that wounded people attract wounded people, and wounded people hurt each other. Stuck on a merry-go-round of constant chaos caused by verbal abuse and my husband’s drug addiction, my bitterness grew beyond control. I eventually sought pain relieve in the arms of another man. And then a couple more.

Suspicions came. Then a confrontation. And finally my confession. That’s when I hit bottom. Hard. It was a twisted combination of the worst day of my life and a blessing in disguise.

It wasn’t until I hit bottom and had nowhere else to go, that I cried out to God. Little by little He began to restore my life. I began my recovery from what I call relationship addiction. The bondage of bitterness that once held me captive began to lose its hold. I wish I could say that as soon as I repented God changed my situation. But He didn’t. God is more concerned about our character than our contentment and my character had some major flaws.

God didn’t change my circumstances. Rather he trained me by adversity and used my circumstances to change me. The freedom I found over the next several years was exhilarating. But this freedom was not just for me. Freedom is no good if we can’t give it away.

Today, I want to be like David—I long to show other women how to fight their way to freedom. There is a way out of the wilderness. I want to slay the menacing giant that is taunting the women in the army of God and be one that removes the reproach from Israel—one who brings hope to the women who are smothered by issues and perhaps their own addiction to relationships.

My Tragedy

As a single mother with three children, Brittany, Garrett and Jake, life wasn’t easy, but freedom I felt after my divorce was liberating. The daily agony of living with verbal abuse, deceit, drug addiction and manipulation was over. A couple of years after our divorce, however, tragedy struck. It was June 13, 1998, the weekend of my 20^th High School reunion. My ex-husband had our two boys, Garrett (5) and Jake (2) for his weekend visitation. On Saturday morning in route to his brothers house to go fishing he hit another vehicle head on. Toxicology results confirmed that he was under the influence of several narcotics. My ex-husband and Garrett survived, but Jake died at the scene.

Losing Jake was the hardest blow life could throw.  When I heard the news, I literally fell apart and buried my face in a towel sobbing. How was I going to endure the death of my son? Screaming my prayers out to God on the way to the hospital to see Garrett, a transformation began. The adversity of my ten-year marriage had taught me a couple of things. One: I can choose joy even in the midst of difficulties. Even in hardship, God is still God. Two: No matter how deep the wound, unforgiveness only multiplies misery. Unforgiveness would put me right back in the jaws of bondage and I didn’t want to go back.

The difficulties I endured through my marriage had strengthened me to the point that I had learned to trust God all the time, not just when my circumstances were going my way. On the way to the hospital, I surrendered my pain to God and His supernatural grace gave me the strength to forgive. Then His peace began to comfort me in a way I had never felt before.

Garrett spent five days in Children’s Hospital. He suffered multiple lacerations and a hairline fracture to his jaw. My ex spent two weeks in the hospital and was then transferred to the psychiatric ward for another two weeks. He eventually received a deferred sentence for involuntary manslaughter. Although he never spent any time in prison, not all prisons are made of metal. Almost eighteen years later, I’m still believing for his restoration.

Freedom is free but still so many refuse to embrace it. The pull back to bondage was too great for some of my other family members. In 2006 tragedy struck again. Two of my nephews overdosed on drugs within nine months of each other. I can’t even describe the devastation. Several years later, their father died in a collision on the way to a methadone clinic. It’s too late for their recovery, but I’ll do whatever I can to reach those who will listen. Will you?

Garrett’s Trip to Heaven

Garrett spent five days in Children’s Hospital recuperating from his injuries. I fed him juices with a baby eyedropper because his jaw was so swollen he couldn’t get his lips around a straw. The night before he was released he told me an amazing story about his trip to heaven. Chicken Soup for the Soul published his story, An Escort to Heaven, in their Messages from Heaven series in 2012.

 

The hope that God poured into me when Jake died was too much to contain. Despite the urging from our children’s pastor, Bo Parrish, who dedicated both Garrett and Jake, I knew I had to speak at his funeral. In a way, Jake’s funeral was my first speaking engagement. Garrett even took the mic and shared about his trip to heaven.

Today, Garrett is 22. He speaks little of his trip to heaven, but his matter-of-fact countenance has never left. I know God has a strong purpose for the deposit of peace He left with Garrett that day. As much as I long to understand more, one thing I know for sure…heaven is flowing with peace and joy and Garrett came back with a lifetime supply.

 God has Numbered our Days

 

Jake was 33 months old when he died, just short of his third birthday. Months after his death, I noticed this prophetic picture of Jake wearing a hand-me-down shirt from Garrett. The applique had fallen off but it was easy to see what was previously on the shirt since it wasn’t faded underneath. The 3 was gone. Ironically, this picture was actually taken on the day of Jake’s second birthday before his party. He never made it to his third birthday.

To me, this was a kiss from God. It was as if God was showing me, “Christy, I knew from the foundation of the earth the number of Jake’s days. I knew long ago this day was coming. And even though Jake’s life was short, I have prepared you and my grace is sufficient. The day He went to heaven did not surprise me. I have plans for his life and they have not failed.”

As a mother, it’s so easy to fall into the trap of bearing unnecessary guilt from the relentless “if-onlys”. If only I had not let Jake go that weekend with his dad. If only I had prayed harder. If only … I could waste my life away pondering the if-onlys. But scripture says that God has numbered our days, and honestly, who am I to question God’s plans? He is still able to cause all things to work together for His good.

If you have lost a loved one, may I encourage you? Even in the midst of death and sorrow, God still has a plan and…

His grace is sufficient.

His grace is also a refuge. Psalm 91 says that he who dwells in the shelter of the Most High shall rest in the shadow of the Almighty. My friend, please take His grace. It’s the only way we can make it through this journey of life.